How to Set and Maintain Healthy Borders, According to Mental Health Professionals
- When to Set Limits
- Types of Borders
- How to Set and Maintain Boundaries
- Bottom Line
We call it: Boundaries are a new way to take care of ourselves. Although, as many of us hear in 2020, it is harder than ever to create. Before the epidemic, if we needed a place, we could leave home and go to work in the office or go out. Lockdown has changed that. Everything that happens under one roof has made it difficult for us to avoid uncomfortable situations in our relationship. It forced us to examine what we really needed and no longer worked. This is where the boundaries come in.
"Boundaries are the boundaries we set in our relationship with each other over what behavior we will accept and which we will not tolerate," explains licensed therapist Kati Morton. Nicole LePera, Ph.D., a Holistic Psychologist and author of the book How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self, says that boundaries are the foundation of every relationship you have, including your own. He refers to boundaries as "clear walls or boundaries that protect you from what may sound improper, unacceptable, and unrealistic." In other words, boundaries can be crucial to our emotional, mental, and physical well-being.
Further, Morton and LePera entered the frontiers, which included various types of frontiers that were important to set up and tips for setting up and maintaining them.
When to Set Limits
First things first, how well do you know you need to set boundaries? Morton explains that our body is a messenger. For example, if a stranger puts his hand on your back and it makes you feel uncomfortable, that discomfort is your body's way of telling you that something is wrong. Similarly, if you feel tired, frustrated, or even exhausted after a long day's work, this too is a sign that you may be missing out. Morton advises you to pay close attention to how you feel before and after dealing with people or certain types of situations to help you explore where boundaries should be set to protect yourself.
Types of Borders
You can set boundaries in many different areas of your life, including work, technology, and what you are free to share online. The most common boundaries are in relationships, including romance, friendship, or work relationships. And there are different types of boundaries you can set, including mental, emotional, physical, and resources, according to our experts.
The mental and emotional boundaries, LePera says, can include anyone with whom you share your thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and feelings. Morton adds emotional barriers that can include how you allow someone to talk to you, or how much energy you are willing to invest in a relationship.
Physical limitations are related to how close you allow a person to be, physically, and what touches are right and wrong.
Resource limits, also important, LePera explains, are about "your ability to choose where and how to use your time." This may look like asking for an hour for you every afternoon or disconnecting your phone after 8 p.m.
How to Set and Maintain Boundaries
Be specific about your needs: The first step in setting any type of boundary is to determine exactly what you really need in order to communicate with someone and what changes you need to make, says Morton. You are encouraged to write it down and practice saying it aloud in advance, so that you do not miss the point during the discussion or forget what you want to say at the moment.
Find the right time: The next step is actually to communicate your needs and boundaries with someone else. LePera proposes to choose a time when both parties are not in an emotionally refreshing environment. For example, Morton's sharing, after a stressful day or when someone else is in a bad mood is not the right time.
Start by recommending: If you are not sure how to start a borderline conversation, Morton says starting with a recommendation can go a long way in setting the tone. "I like to do what I call a hug and roll, where we start a conversation by praising them or thanking them for something, and then we come up with a change that we hope we can see," Morton said. "By starting with kindness, they may have heard us talk about the border and hopefully they will be open to change." Focus on how you will respond in new ways.
Explain: When setting boundaries, LePera recommends that you not focus on changing someone else's behavior, but instead make a clear statement about how you will respond in new ways if the person continues to behave. For example, you might say something like this: "I no longer want to talk about my food choices. If they are remembered, I will exclude them from the conversation." LePera adds when you talk about your border, do so "in a calm, clear, and assertive way."
Be gentle with yourself: For many people, setting and maintaining boundaries has not been the norm. So when you start to set up, it can evoke feelings of guilt, and the other person may not always respond as you expected them to. "Some people may challenge you or push you against your boundaries if you have never set them before," LePera said, and that's okay. "As you continue to exercise, you will begin to feel less irritated and more confident."
Remember, it is a process: Limits are not always a kind of deal. Morton notes that you will often find yourself having to remind people in your life of the boundaries you set, your needs, and why they are important. “Be patient, understanding, and empathetic as we all learn new ways to communicate,” she says. We are all still trying to navigate the new standard.
Note: That being said, Morton adds that it is also normal to return to the old ways of engaging in relationships.